I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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