I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
