I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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