I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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