We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
why do cheetos always look like penises
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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