I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
