i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
well most of my day revolves around power hour
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
