Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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