Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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