During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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