i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
