It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
