i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Found your dick twin last night
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
