Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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