You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
