I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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