i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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