if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
