At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we're making bets on your personal life
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
