at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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