I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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