i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
