I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
