I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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