final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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