Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
