and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
