is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
