mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
