Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
