I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You ate ashes out of my bong
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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