i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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