just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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