Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
