somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
