LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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