you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You ate ashes out of my bong
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
