i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
