We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
