you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
