At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
