I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
