i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
