Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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