There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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