This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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