id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
