Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
