Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
