Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
