I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Randomize
