Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
