Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
