the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
