we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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