OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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